It’s Not Only Women Who Want More Intimacy in Relationships


This sounds fully counterintuitive. How is it that so many males want deeper, steady ties in their love lives, but traditionally they’ve been those fleeing to literal and figurative “man caves”? Time and time once more, each homosexual and heterosexual males I interviewed spoke of a paralyzing concern of showing “weak” (that was the commonest one) or “small” or “too insecure” in the event that they opened up and shared their fears, disappointment and wish for emotional succor with their love companions. They feared that airing such protected emotions would result in rejection or abandonment.

More usually than we care to consider, these fears are properly based.

Andrew Smiler, a psychologist based mostly in Winston-Salem, N.C., whose apply is dedicated to boys and males, informed me that one of many essential expertise he helps males with is studying learn how to entry, course of and articulate their deeper emotional lives as a means of sustaining and strengthening their romantic partnerships.

Typically, he mentioned, it goes properly for these males the primary time they make themselves susceptible. After that, although, the nice and cozy reception cools. They’re usually met with such responses as “‘You’re much needier than I thought you were.’ That seems to be the big one,” mentioned Dr. Smiler, an creator of books on masculinity, together with “The Masculine Self.” Another widespread response from feminine companions is one they’ve lengthy endured from males: “They’re told that they shouldn’t get so worked up and emotional about things.”

I’ve skilled this myself. One girlfriend throughout my 20s was mortified after I cried brazenly, sitting subsequent to her on an airplane. Another girlfriend throughout my 30s informed me she wished nurturing when she felt scared or unhappy however didn’t discover it “attractive in a guy” who sought the identical. In my marriage, I’ve at all times pushed for higher emotional intimacy, asking my spouse, Elizabeth, to articulate loving emotions or sentiments she has informed me that run via her thoughts however stay unsaid. When she would share them, typically they had been shrouded in humor. A couple of years in the past, I pushed tougher after we had been seeing a {couples} counselor.

“Know what I would love more than anything to hear from you?” I asked, dealing with my spouse. ‘“I need you.”’

“Well, I do,” she replied.

Tess Brigham, a San Francisco-based therapist whose apply is made up of millennial and Generation Z purchasers, wasn’t stunned by such anecdotes, though, she mentioned, vulnerability is essential to healthy relationships. “In their daily lives, women can’t show vulnerability,” she mentioned. “They can’t show vulnerability at work. And when younger women feel too vulnerable in dating life, they fear that will make them look weak. If you’re vulnerable you’re seen as too emotional. That’s not a good thing today for women.”

This squares with the findings of the vulnerability and disgrace researcher and creator Brené Brown. In her ebook “Daring Greatly,” she observes the zero sum dynamic that happens when women “beg” males to be susceptible with them. “The truth is that most women can’t stomach it,” she writes. “In those moments when real vulnerability happens in men, most of us recoil with fear, and that fear manifests as everything from disappointment to disgust.”

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